What I want

This book I'm reading about the Prince Harming Syndrome has been very beneficial to me since I started reading it. One of the things that the author says to do is to visualize and write down what you want out of your soul mate/Prince Charming. I have never done this before because I wasn't sure what I wanted. I always kept an idea of what I wanted in my head but never put it into writing. Maybe a hard copy of what I want will stick with me this time around!

*Someone who nurtures my soul
*Someone who cares about me and my feelings
*Someone who thinks that I am worth their time
*Someone who enjoys a conversation....not someone who talks over me
*Someone who has a level of passion for life, goals, people, and me
*I want someone who kisses me when they think I am asleep
*Someone who wants to go out with me and friends on a Saturday night for a good time but would enjoy doing a crossword puzzle in bed on Sunday morning. Versatility I suppose!
*Someone who enjoys cuddling on the couch to watch tv, a movie, or a good book
*Someone who is as smart as me!
*Someone who is honest
*Someone with impeccable hygiene
*Someone who loves themselves

There is more to be posted on this list. This is just the starter!

Much of nothing

So today I am just trying to make it through the day. I'm tired and very stressed. Lots of developments and changes occurred in the last 24 hours and I'm just coping. Right now I am dealing with it all and remembering to love myself. In 2 weeks I will be in my new apartment and free from the pain of this marriage.

Remember: Who can love you if you can't love yourself?

Prince Harming and other tid bits

I went to Gallatin last night to get my textbooks for the Spring semester. I met up with friends and we went to Barnes and Noble and then dinner. It was a fun evening. The best part of the entire evening is when I bought a new book at B&N. It is called "Prince Harming Syndrome" by Karen Salmansohn. It is all about breaking these patterns of dating and choosing "toxic" men. The author breaks guys into two categories. You have your SOLD-mate Prince Harming and your SOUL-mate Prince Charming. Every guy I have ever dated (or married) met at least one, if not all, of the criteria for a Prince Harming. These are men that I have SOLD my soul to be with and have essentially lost myself. Who knew?

So now I'm trying to find myself. I have to find myself before I find a mate. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wanting to get divorced and immediately find a mate. That would be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Figuring it out

So today I woke up with a plan. I knew I wanted to reinvent myself but wasn't sure where to begin. After a very restless night, I kinda figured it out. I needed an outlet. Something to distract me from everything else going on in my life. A type of jumping off point, so to speak. What did I want to become with this new me? What were my goals? I knew that I wanted to lose the rest of my weight and become healthy. I also knew that I wanted to reach my goal of running a marathon by the time I'm 30. So I decided to start with my body. Why not? If I am fit and trim and healthy then I might be motivated to change more outward appearances that could lead to self confidence which ultimately could lead to an internal change. Sounds a little backwards but I've never been one to do things in order.

So I'm going to run. I worked all day today and came home and ran. It was freezing cold outside and I felt like my face was going to crack, my lungs were going to explode, and my calves were going to split in two. Funny thing happened. I was focusing on running to the next landmark, feeling the pain in my legs and lungs, and pushing myself to the limit. Suddenly that was all that mattered. I forgot about the divorce, the pain in my heart, the noise in my head went away, nothing else mattered but running.

So the reinvention is starting with running. I'm going to blog a lot. I want to remember what this feels like so that if I ever want to make the same mistake twice.....I have a permanent reminder. I've also decided to stop caring about what everyone else thinks. I was not put on this earth to please everyone. If someone doesn't like me then that is fine. Their choice. Must remember that, "Your opinion of me is none of my business!"

Stupid Plates

I have been balancing these plates on these long sticks like they do in the circus. I've been running around trying to keep each plate spinning for a really long time. About a year ago the first plate fell. My marriage was going very badly and my husband had an affair. When that plate fell it distracted me and yet I was able to keep the plates spinning. I was dealing with it all! School, the kids, work, home, family, and those plates were spinning. It was all good. Control was mine! It was short lived. The affairs kept coming and at some point all my plates fell. Every one of those suckers fell, hit the ground, and shattered. So what do you do next? The mess is so big that you don't even know where to begin. Do you sweep up the mess? Do you start with new plates? Are any of the plates fixable? What the hell am I doing? It all seems so daunting.

So what am I going to do? I'm going to sweep up ALL the dust that is my marriage and life and start over. I'm good at it! This isn't my first rodeo. The difference is that this time I am going to reinvent myself. Its time to move on and figure out who I am while I am spinning all these plates. First change? I'm switching to melamine plates. Let them fall! Its all good. Those are tough to break......just like me!

Goals for 1-10-2010:
* RUN!
* Not care what everyone else thinks. Your opinion of me is NONE of my business!
* Breath.